CAIORR

This is my core, the center of who I am. This is the heart of my soul, of my dreams, and of my aspirations. This is what I plan on writing, in sheer and breathtaking form, over the course of my lifetime. This is what I begin today.

I started working on this project when I turned fifteen. I had a marvelous vision in my imagination of some great culmination of endless ages and eternities, with a triumphant and thunderous dawn that broke the darkness and brought all things to a glorious conclusion. Call it archetypal or call it naive--this is what I saw, and this is what I've been striving to write towards ever since I first saw it in the eye of my mind.

The volumes, in order:

THE POWER AND THE CORRUPTION

THE RISEN AND THE FALLEN

THE REASON AND THE PASSION

THE TRUTH AND THE LIE

THE VALIANT AND THE FAINT

THE TRIUMPH AND THE SURRENDER

THE ORDER AND THE CHAOS

THE LIFE AND THE DEATH

THE CREATION AND THE VOID

THE FOUNT AND THE MAW

This is where I begin, and this is where I end. This is meant to be The Story--the story to end all stories, to encompass all truths, to bring about a grand and resounding climax to the great battle of eternity--of the Light and the Darkness, the Caidon and the Orraim, and the gods. This is meant to encompass everything.

So this is my project. I've got a long, long way to go. This is me bearing my soul to you, so you can see what it is that I aspire towards: I intend to become so much more than I've ever been before.

This is the CAIORR. This is the reason that I created this blog in the first place--so I could record my journey in reaching that far off, but so tantalizingly-close horizon that keeps me running home.

The Furthest End of Heaven

This is the first step on the long road back. I've been going far too long without a cord or a lantern; I've lost my footing and my perspective, and if I keep it up I'll have lost everything else that's needful. I find it interesting how long it's been since I've actually held a light in the air and known, purely and simply, that I'm on the right track. It's been about three weeks. That's a long time, even in eternal matters. Three weeks is more than enough time to totally screw up.

So I'm currently stumbling around at the far end of heaven. I know that I am not where I need to be, and that doing what I have been doing is going to get me no closer to the light that I seek. I've been led to question some things that are unquestionable, to falter where I need strength, and to lose faith in the Faithful. This entry marks an effort to realign myself with where I need to go and with who I need to be, with what I need to be doing. I suppose that two years is a long enough time for the counsel to keep a journal to finally kick in. It may be two years too late, but that's up for time to tell. I don't think it's ever too late for God to save a reckless sinner. So long as their heart is seeking an upward clime, the sinner is never out of the reach of His hands.

I'm struggling in this upward battle. It's dark around here, and I don't like it. Darkness is gross. It's the least comforting and most destructive force in existence. Darkness defiles, confuses, fades, and deeply affects every human heart it comes in contact with. The only thing to do about darkness is to pour light into your life. The One who pours the light is our Father in Heaven, assisted by His Son, Jesus Christ, through the power of the Holy Ghost. It's this radiance that gives me a brief glimpse of heaven even though all the clouds and bastions of hell stand in the way. I call down the powers of heaven into my life whenever I invite the Holy Ghost to influence me or direct me where I need to go.

Doubt can die. Fear can fade. Horror and confusion and sorrow can go away. Or, at least, I can leave them. They can't follow me where I'm going now. I'm going to God, and they'll dissipate under the force of His almighty light and power. So I'm on the furthest end of heaven right now, and I'll be on the other end--the deepest end--where no darkness lies waiting, and the light of eternity bids me seek His presence continually. That's where I'm going.